Volume 13, Issue 1

Page 8

Time for a Laugh

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.  The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.  An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.  The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.  Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."  The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.  You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Susie's third grade class was studying marine science, and the subject this day was whales.
Susie excitedly volunteered,  "I know something about whales:  Jonah was swallowed by a whale!"  Her teacher, an

avowed atheist who disregarded anything biblical, quickly interjected,  "Susie, this class is about science only, and it is scientifically impossible for a whale to swallow a man whole."  Susie then said, "The Bible says it happened."
The teacher quickly and smugly replied,  "Not everything in the Bible is true."  Susie countered,  "My mom says it is, and when I get to heaven one day, I'm going to ask God about it."
To which the teacher said,  "Fine, Susie, but what if God is in HELL instead?"  Susie:  "Then YOU can ask Him."

Practical advice:
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.  On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.  Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because, to them, you are  crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.  
Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

The marine politely answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer President."  The man said, "Oh, okay" and walked away.
The next day the marine was again on duty and the same man approached and again asked to see President Clinton.  The marine again answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president."  Again the man answered, "Oh, okay" and walked away. 
The next day the same man approached the same marine and again asked to see President Clinton.  The marine, a little annoyed, said, "Sir, I've told you, Mr. Clinton is no longer president.  Don't you understand that?"  "Yes, I do," said the man, "but I just enjoy hearing it."  The marine smiled and said, "See you tomorrow."

In a recent visit to the United States, the Pope was picked up at JFK Airport by a limousine.  The Pope remarked to the driver that he had always wanted to sit behind the wheel of such a luxurious vehicle.  The driver stopped the limo and changed places with His Holiness.  The Pope was having a great time cruising along in the car and didn't realize that he was traveling well above the speed limit.  A couple of policemen caught up with him and pulled him over.  One cop walked up to the limo, but he soon returned to the squad car.  The other cop asked him if he issued a citation for speeding.  "No, I can't do that."  "Why not, who's riding in the limo… is it the mayor?"  "No."  "Is it the governor?"  "No."  "Well, who is it?"  "I don't know, but his driver is the Pope."

From the Benedictine Monks' new CD:
I'm Too Sexy For My Robe
Celebate! Celebate! Dance to the Music!
Give Peace a Chant
Born to Be Mild
I Write the Psalms
Light My Friar

"One of the Ohio State professors at one of our Judicial College seminars had two sons in the University of Colorado at the same time.  He said it was like buying a new Mercedes every year, driving it to the highest mountain and pushing it over the edge!"  Ron Fein ' 63

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From top, Frank Rozmus '72 and SJB

A few days after George W. Bush's inauguration, a man came up to the marine on duty at the White House and said, "I'd like to see President Clinton."