Humor from various sources -- placed here for your enjoyment  

 

FINALLY... ANSWERS THAT MAKE SENSE!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: My wife/girlfriend says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.

A: Your wife just doesn’t grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what’s corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.

Q: Is beer bad for you?

A: I normally don’t like to answer questions which deal with my religious values, but I find this question so ridiculous I simply have to say something. Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. Well, we all know that beer is not an animal, and it’s not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and tell everyone you’re on a vegetarian diet.

How To Clean A Cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.

3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The Dog


Relatives

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep”, the husband replied, “in-laws.”

 

Cannibals

Two cannibals were eating a clown.  One of them said, "this tastes funny."

 

Quotes taken from some of this year's appraisals

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't-be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leave the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

"He has a photographic memory with the lens cap glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselect ion."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brain cells; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"One neuron short of a synapse."

"Some drank from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Are you a professional?

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are truly a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

 

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

 

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

 

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles and there are no bridges or boats. How do you manage it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting World-wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers.

Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

 

Catholic Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 
1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass -led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

The Bible in fifty words

God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jamb tooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained

Church Signboards

Work for the Lord. The pay isn't much, but the retirement plan is out of  this world.

Interested in going to heaven? Apply here for flight training!

Since you can't take it with you, why not leave it here?

You can't take it with you, but you can send it on ahead.

No parking. Violators will be turned into a pillar of salt.

We have a prophet-sharing plan for you.

The Lord loveth a cheerful giver. He also accepteth from a grouch.

Remember, "If you can laugh at it, you can live with it."

Trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

The travel agent

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.  "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.  "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Euro English

The European Commission Language have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c"..sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgracful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a rele sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

Great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"  He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Profound quote

"I still stand by my theory that a large cardboard box with the word 'Computer' written on the side in crayon is more useful than a PC running Windows 98."

Terrorists

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its annual convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every half hour.

The Madonna

A couple of Christmases ago I was in line at the post office when I overheard a woman at the window ask for a book of stamps. The teller asked which ones she wanted, and she replied "Oh, the Madonna and child ones." The woman in line in front of me rolled her eyes and said "My God, she's on a STAMP now?!?!"

Watch out!

I was standing in line the other day at the local grocery story behind a small boy, his mother, and a rather LARGE woman. The LARGE woman's beeper went off. The child reacted by saying, "Look out mom, she's going to back up!"

Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down
the system as they do so. Okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Okay, Windows does that too
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user,
along with valuable programs and systems
Alright... Windows does that, too
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect
their system is too slow and the user will buy new
hardware Yup, that's with Windows, too
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are
fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are
running on most systems, their program code is
fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become
more sophisticated as they mature
So, Windows is not a virus

Trivia

A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.

The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of ingredients in the sauce.

 A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.

The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.

A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva. example, if strong-tasting substance like salt is placed on a dry tongue, the taste buds will not be able to taste it. As soon as a drop of water is added and the salt is dissolved, however, a definite taste sensation results. This is true for all foods.

A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away.

George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.

Some insects can live up to a year without their heads.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.

Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock their mandibles (jaws) into position, stretch out at right angles to the stem, and, with legs dangling, fall asleep.

During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.

Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dogs heart and nervous system, a few ounces are enough to kill a small dog.

Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.

Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. Before the 1950's it was made from Hemp. The stem and leaves of a marijuana plant.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower', because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters ,'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver

The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

Bubble gum contains rubber.

The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA'

By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you won't sink in quicksand.

Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby-Doo.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

An elephant can smell water three miles away.

Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit can cause damage.

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool. He changed it every 2 innings.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

Kids

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

Heaven

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man replied, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Right-click

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have
done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

  A Prayer for the Stressed



 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had
to kill today because they ticked me off.

Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
as they may be connected to the butts that I may have
to kiss tomorrow.

Amen

Mottos to work by

20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in largegroups.

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away.

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Fishing terms

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

No meatballs, please

The cafeteria at work has announced its latest plans. They have displayed big signs saying "Customers: Our Most Important Ingredient."

Duh

I was at a store and overheard two cashiers behind the counter chatting as one of them was ringing up my purchase.

Cashier 1: "When's the Super Bowl?"

Cashier 2: "I think it's on Thanksgiving."

Cashier 1: (laughs) "It's not on Thanksgiving, it's in a couple of weeks."

Cashier 1: "Well, isn't there a big holiday right around Thanksgiving?"

At which point I said, "Yes. Thanksgiving."

Kids

This is from an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate Deep Thoughts' by Jack Handey, a former Saturday Night Live skit.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him. -- Age 10

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the President's birthday, like they do for the Queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. -- Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote -- Age 10

Home is where the house is. -- Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. -- Age 13

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I  show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.-- Age 15

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. -- Age 5

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. -- Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. -- Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. -- Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe 'Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?' or 'Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?' -- Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? -- Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. -- Age 15

Guy stuff

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Math humor

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do". He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician stated. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

Baby

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

B.C.

A rather old-fashioned lady was always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language.  When she and her husband  began  planning  a week's camping vacation, she wrote to a particular  campground and asked for reservations.  She wanted to make sure  that  the campground was fully  equipped and modern but couldn't bring  herself to write the word "toilet"  in her letter.  After much  deliberation, she came up with the old-fashioned term "Bathroom  Commode."  Once written down she still wasn't comfortable.  Finally  she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote "does your  campground have its own "B.C.?"

The campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all.  When he got the  letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman meant by "B.C."   He showed it to several of the campers, but they couldn't figure it out either.  Then suddenly it dawned on them.  The lady was obviously referring to the Baptist Church!! "Does the campground have its own Baptist Church?" So he  sent the lady the following reply:

Dear madam,
The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in the heart of a beautiful grove of trees.  I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly.  No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week.  Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it, especially on Thursday when there is organ accompaniment.  The acoustics are very good and the slightest sound can be heard by everyone. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband at the B.C.  Also, we are in the process of having a fund­raiser to purchase plush seats for the B.C.  This is a long felt need as the old seats have holes in them.  The fund­raiser will be held in the basement of the B.C.  My wife is rather delicate, therefore she has not been able to attend regularly.  It has been six months since she last went.  It pains her very much not to be able to go more often.  As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather.
I will close for now with the desire to accommodate you in every way possible.  Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there.
This is a friendly campground!

Wise guy

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls­Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.  The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls­Royce."  The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls­Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

Bear facts

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for
bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas. They advise
that people wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their
clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise
the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People
should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear
droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell
like pepper spray.